POSTED AT 06:00 PM
It makes me wonder when it all started. I never even realized that you were slipping away until you were too far away to reach.
Are you sorry that you met me? And that you wasted your time waiting for me, being miserable while I was gone, when you could’ve been free of the ties and responsibilities that came with being with me?
What happened first, falling out of love, or finding someone else to catch you? I may not be there, but I am not blind, nor am I born yesterday. You can insist and deny, but I just call it like I see it, babe and I see her in your eyes.
Yup, we’re back to babe status again, aren’t we?
I wonder what happened to the boy who said he’d rather get hurt first before he let anything happen to me. To the boy who cried without shame at the thought of losing me. The boy who said “I’m here waiting for you, even if the future awaiting us is unlike today. My heart is tugging on the string that binds us.”
Do you delight in my pain? It seems like it. Either that or you couldn’t care any less.
It makes me feel so foolish that I believed it when they assured me that I don’t have to worry, I was the only girl for you. I have tried to give everything to you, and for a while it seemed like I was the only one you’ll ever need. They told me I made you become someone better, and they were right. I saw the progress, and I was proud, oh so proud of you.
That isn’t the case now, is it? I am just a burden to you now, something that’s holding you back -- no longer an asset, no longer the bright spot to your everyday.
What happened?
I am not afraid of the truth. You can see yourself with her, if only she wasn’t attached, don’t you? I don’t blame you, you look good together, and you probably have much more in common with her than you’ll ever have with me. She was there for you the way I wasn’t, when I should have been.
Do your knees get weak around her the way they did back then, when we first kissed? Did you get to carry her on your back? Does she take care of you better? I should be ashamed if she does, taking care of people is my job, and for you I worked twice as hard, pro-bono.
I’ve been giving you the choice, whether you want to stay or go. You said you wanted to stay…but is it only because you can’t be with her? You say one thing, but the way you’re acting, you’re making me feel the complete opposite.
I’ve had my fair share of (very) low moments, and I know all that doesn’t’ help me plead my case. For that I apologize. But you have to admit, you’ve had your shortcomings too. Just…please don’t pin all this on me. I’m not the only one at fault. You promised you’ll stay mine, no matter what happens, and I believed you.
I don’t want the candy coating, give me the bitter pill. If you’re afraid of hurting me, don’t be. I’m stronger than you think. I can take it, I’m a big girl.
“There is no anger. Just you and I and the truth.”
Nope, no anger, I swear. Sadness, maybe, that forever for you ended so quickly. That I’d never get to give Lumpy a hug, nor get to taste your mom’s awesome cooking, or see your dad’s ghetto-ness. That the sleepovers will be no more, nor will we ever learn Spanish together like we talked about. That a lot of the promises we made back then will stay just that: wishes. Words. That I’ve gotten so used to your company that I’ll miss it when its gone.
Oh don’t get me wrong. I’m not telling you to stay with me. I don’t even know if I can bear staying with you either, not when I know that she’s always in the back of your mind. I told you, I may be in love with you, but I’m not going to settle for second.
It’s hard, hanging on to something that’s struggling to be freed. But I am keeping a tight grip until you tell me to let go.
